"Wit And Wisdom Through The Ages "

by Burt Prelutsky

Today, while making my way through a supermarket parking lot, I nearly
got clipped when I didn't hear a car backing out from its space. I
assume it was one of those silent hybrids. Once I got done thanking God
for providing me with my cat-like reflexes, it occurred to me to wonder
why every vehicle doesn't come equipped with those back-up beepers one
finds on trucks.
That, in turn, reminded me that a friend recently informed me that she
and her husband had just purchased a hybrid and that it ran as silent as
a tomb. When I commented that such cars must be particularly dangerous
for blind people, she said, "Well, they shouldn't be driving in the
first place."
It's not often these days that I laugh out loud except at my own
remarks, but that one got a full-fledged chuckle. This being the season
for gift-giving, and few gifts being as precious or as inexpensive as
laughter, I will take this opportunity to share a number of time-honored
witticisms which should at least warrant a grin, if not necessarily a
guffaw.
Among Mark Twain's numerous sage observations: "If you don't read the
newspaper, you are uninformed. If you do read the newspaper, you are
misinformed." "No man's life, liberty or property is safe while the
legislature is in session." "The only difference between a tax man and a
taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin." "There is no
distinctly Native American criminal class save Congress." And, my
personal favorite, "Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would
stay out and your dog would go in."
Winston Churchill, when he wasn't otherwise occupied trying to warn the
world about Hitler and Stalin, and doing what he could to defeat both,
found the time to declare "For a nation to try to tax itself into
prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself
up by the handle" and "The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal
sharing of the blessings, while the inherent blessing of socialism is
the equal sharing of misery."
George Bernard Shaw, although an avowed Socialist, was bright enough to
acknowledge "A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend
on the support of Paul."
G. Gordon Liddy, probably the only person to emerge from the Watergate
scandal with his manhood intact, described a liberal as "someone who
feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off
with your money."
Douglas Casey, an economics guru and one-time college classmate of Bill
Clinton, described foreign aid as "a transfer of money from poor people
in rich countries to rich people in poor countries."
P.J. O'Rourke, the American who's probably done the most to promote the
cause of booze, cigars and political cynicism, is the fellow who said
"Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car
keys to teenage boys" and "If you think health care is expensive now,
wait until you see what it costs when it's free!"
Ronald Reagan, the last first-rate president we've had and very
possibly, at the rate we're going, the last one we'll ever have, wasn't
called the Great Communicator for nothing. Among his many memorable
comments: "Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few
short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And
if it stops moving, subsidize it." And the even more graphic "The
government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at
one end and no responsibility at the other."
It was Thomas Jefferson who warned that "A government big enough to give
you everything you want is strong enough to take everything you have,"
while it was Pericles who, nearly 2500 years ago, uttered these rather
blood-chilling words: "Just because you do not take an interest in
politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you."
But you needn't go back quite that far for honest, pithy words of
wisdom. It was Steve Downs, of Wisconsin, who, in a recent e-mail to
Townhall magazine, struck a resounding blow against the corrupting
influence of politically correct speech when he insisted that "Words
have meanings! Calling an illegal alien an 'undocumented worker' is like
calling a drug dealer an 'unlicensed pharmacist.'"